LOCAL WRITERS @ THE LIBRARY

DEFINING BOUNDARIES OF AFFECTION

I have not written about my “me too” experiences with the intention of publishing. Those times have only appeared in private journals which I have since destroyed, and I will not be reviving those that still make me cringe here either. However, accusations against Joe Biden of inappropriate touching and his defense compel me to explore and speak out on my experience of this boundary issue. This problem doesn’t only happen with politicians or celebrities. It happens wherever men and women interact.

I have for many years shared close warm hugs with some male friends. And I have all my life also been touched by some men in ways that make me uncomfortable and suspicious of motives. What is the difference? What are appropriate boundaries?  

I have no memories of growing up in the 1940s and early '50s with models of innocent touching. My family was not demonstrative with affection, neither verbally nor physically. The only touching I remember from that time was aggressive fumbling of bigger boys who scared me, and I ran away from them. In adolescence in the mid '50s I grew to enjoy cuddling, kissing, and “making out” in back seats of cars if it was with someone I was attracted to. Indeed, I grew to crave it though I knew it was a prelude to expected sex and I would have to fight to protect my virginity. Which I did many times, as fearful of getting pregnant as I was desirous of affection and of “going all the way.” I responded to this dilemma by marrying at 17.

I promptly became pregnant and by 23 had 3 children. Likely it was Dr. Spock who taught me the importance of physical affection for children to thrive, and I must have begun then to distinguish affection from sex.

Flash forward 15 years to the mid-'60s, still reserved about physical affection except with children, I started college and dived into psychology, anthropology, and literature and learned of various cultural attitudes about touching. I remember clearly hugging a female friend for the first time in college. By the early '70s I was divorced and the sexual revolution was stirring which barely got started for me, it seemed, before AIDS came along and put a big damper on that. By the late '70’s I had read Touching: The Human Significance of Skin by Ashley Montagu and many other sources which emphasized that physical affection is an important human need. Babies can die from lack of it.

By the early 1980s I had gone through therapeutic situations that encouraged hugging for healing. I learned to enjoy with abandon giving and receiving affectionate hugs. And I regret I also learned to push aside feelings of discomfort with certain hugs.

Now, a Joe Biden fan for many years, I am at this Joe Biden moment, and I ask myself would I feel comfortable with the touching he is accused of.

It turns out that I am in a similar situation now with a man I have known for about 15 years. At first I did not think much about his arm around my shoulder, always in a venue with other people around. In hindsight, I realize I never returned his gestures in any way. I only remember one occasion when I touched him; I was visiting him in a hospital bed. As I was leaving and wishing him a full recovery, I placed my hand briefly over his.  

He also made verbal demands of me sometimes: “Get me a cup of coffee” or “Give me a drink of your coffee.” In conversation he would bring his face too close to mine for comfort.

Inconsequential? These were “funny feeling” moments it took me a while to question. His behavior did not seem overtly sexual, but then there was the time a female friend confided that he was touching her knee with his under the table where they sat in his home. When she removed hers, he reached out his until his knee found hers again.

By the time of this conversation, long before this Joe Biden moment, I was asking myself questions. Why was I only tolerating his touch and not returning it? Why was I increasingly backing off? And when I did, why would he come forward? Eventually I told him to get his own coffee, and I said, “no,” when he demanded a drink from my cup. When he joked about his female employees protesting when they discovered men got double plied toilet paper in their bathroom while women had to make do with single plied, I told him that was sexist. Eventually, I began to avoid him. I stopped accepting invitations to go to their home for group activities. I quit one group activity we were both involved in on a weekly basis.

I couldn’t avoid him entirely; our interests overlap too much in this small community. But after a time, at other places he seemed to have gotten my silent messages about touch. Just as I was beginning to feel a little more comfortable when I couldn’t avoid him wherever I went, he sat down beside me at an event last week, reached out his hand, and squeezed the back of my neck.

Now, at this Joe Biden moment, I need to define my boundaries with him more explicitly than I have so far. I don’t yet know how I will do this. My discomfort with confronting him with other people around has so far outweighed my need to take care of myself in the immediate situation. If I call or send a message, I risk hurting his wife if she should happen upon my call or message. I could write a note to carry in my purse to give him when or if it happens again. I could say,  “I was very uncomfortable when you squeezed my neck in our senior education class. I have been uncomfortable for years with your touch without my permission or encouragement. Don’t do it again. Learn from Joe Biden.”  See how I make excuses and try to avoid a face to face confrontation with him? I am working on this this need to be braver.

I don’t know if any of his intentions were sexual, and it doesn’t matter. Exploring feelings of vulnerability and powerlessness in this situation leads me to conclude that his behavior is not to express affection or respect but intended instead to express his sense of power and privilege as a male to own power over women. Whether he understands this or not this touching behavior with women is sexist.

What is the difference between touches that are affirming and life enhancing and those that are not? Permission and sensitivity are 2 important ones for me. It is probably best to ask for permission, but it doesn’t always need to be voiced. If a man reaches out spontaneously to touch me and I respond by returning his reach, I give permission. If I turn away or sidestep, I am denying permission. And if I merely tolerate without returning the gesture, I am either thoughtlessly people pleasing or ambivalent, trying to figure out what is going on. If he responds by clutching anyway or tries the same approach another time, he is insensitive to unvoiced signals, or doesn’t care, or is responding to patterns of learned behavior he is not aware of, or all of the above. At that point I need to define and voice my boundaries.  

So we need this Joe Biden moment.